Before and After

Once a year I decide to finally go and get my hair cut. I decided that I really want to do something different. Maybe it's because I feel like a frumpy mom- you know, that feeling all of us stay at home moms get- stuck in a rut because we have no where to dress up to go.

Here's my before picture (yes, I know my hair is in a pony-tail, or as my friend calls it "mom-tail". But that is how I wear it almost everyday in the summertime- until now):

After:

I can not believe how much of a difference a haircut makes! I feel like an entirely new person, and I LOVE it! Seriously, I LOVE it!!! I feel so vain- always looking in the mirror. But how can I not when I'm so dang hot?!? I felt so good about my haircut that on the way home I stopped and bought a new outfit (the one I am wearing in the picture). This is something I NEVER do- I don't impulse shop. If I need a pair of jeans, I go and get one pair. I don't just casually stop in and buy a whole new outfit. But, again: I feel so good about myself- and it's been awhile since this mom has been that way. It feels good.

I came home and ran upstairs and got ready for my date with my own hottie. I didn't let him see me until I had put on some make-up and had the tags off my new clothes. I came downstairs and Ben was in shock- it was really funny. Audra said, "I really super-duper like your haircut" and she kept asking if I was going to have my hair "forever."

Obviously, I know it is just a haircut. But truly, I feel so much better about myself with the new 'do! Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I will be getting my hair done from now on! Oh, and it will no longer be just a once-a-year event.

Sunbeam Teacher Jackpot And The Passion Behind It

Every week in primary (children's Sunday School), Audra's teacher does something amazing. They planted peas and got to take them home one week. One week they did finger painting and the teacher made them each their own aprons. Audra's favorite is a flashlight they got to take home- a reminder that God created night and day and we should be grateful. This week, however, she really outdid herself:

The lesson was on how God created animals, and for each of the 7 kids in her class she made finger puppets. The faces, stripes, and whiskers are all embroidered on. Then, she embroidered on Noah's Ark and their name. They have a carrying case where the animals go to sleep, as Audra says.

 I am hoping you can see some of the detail on these zebras- everything is embroidered.

Seriously, has there ever in the history of the world been a Sunbeam teacher who did so much for their kids? I totally feel like we won the Primary Lottery to get her. This teacher is a dear friend of mine, and her daughter is one of Audra's best friends. It is such a blessing to have somebody who loves the kids so much working with Audra!!!

This project alone must have taken her weeks to make. I told her this was an heirloom and Audra's kids would someday play with them. She said if some of the animals get destroyed or lost she would make new ones for me so they can be an heirloom.

Kathy has a huge passion for the kids and for the opportunity to work with them. I have to admit I am a little envious of her passion. I suppose right now my passion is geneaolgy- from which I am getting carpul tunnel- but there's not really anything in my life that has me so excited that I stay up until 2 AM because I have to get it done.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my life right now- seriously, I do. There is nothing I would rather be doing than staying home with the kiddos. I realize this sounds contrary, and I am not sure how to articulate this in a way that makes sense. It is not that I do not fill fulfilled, because I absolutely, 100% feel fulfilled. I do not miss work, I do not miss much of anything- I LOVE this phase of my life.

But, I do miss having that passion- that drive- to do something great. I am going to a volunteer fair tonight, and I am hoping to find a volunteer opportunity there that I can get passionate about. Preferably something where I am directly helping the poor, will only take a few hours a month, and will not take away from me being my kids' mom at all.

I guess there are some things I am passionate about:
-My kids
-Genealogy/temple work
-Couponing
-I'm getting more excited about organic foods and my own gardening- this summer will be a test
-Serving in my church calling (I hate to admit it, because I know someday this will happen but right now is not a good time because I have little kids, but I would really love to be a seminary teacher- that is something I would get very passionate about, and with my teaching background I am pretty sure I would be good- I know, I am cursing myself and asking to be humbled)

Ben wishes I would put "cleaning" on that list, but that will never happen!

Does this make any kind of sense? Now I am just rambling...any thoughts out there on what drives you (in a good way)?

Busy Week

Lately I have realized that my vision of what I WISH I was doing and what was actually happening are two completely different things. Here are some examples:

My vision of the wife/mother I want to be #1:

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A beautiful home-made warm breakfast made every morning.

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My reality:

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Cold cereal for all.

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My vision of the wife/mother I want to be #2:

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Perfect body and in perfect shape.

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My reality:

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My vision of the wife/mother I want to be #3:

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Perfect, thoroughly uplifting scripture study on a daily basis.

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My reality:

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My vision of the wife/mother I want to be #4

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Beaufiful home storage/home production techniques.

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Reality:

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But this last week I have finally begun to conquer some of these challenges. In this past week I have:

1. Made pancakes for breakfast ON A WORK DAY for the first time in our entired married life.
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2. Started jogging again. Granted, it is for less than a mile and only takes me about 8 minutes- but it is a start.
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3. Bought a book that clearly explains Isaiah and am delving into the scriptures and learning more than I have in a long time
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4. Made homemade grape juice from Concord Grapes from a grape tree in Ben's parents yard, made homemade chokecherry syrup from chokecherries in our backyard, and planted 2 apple and 1 cherry tree in our backyard (OK, in reality Ben's dad was incredibly generous and did 100% of the work in the actual planting of the trees).
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Maybe next I'll start cleaning...

I LOVE Being a MOM!!!!

I LOVE staying at home with my kids. I know some women do not, but I do!!!!! I love being able to see the little things that they do everyday. I love being the one to kiss their boo-boos. I love having them help me cook. I love teaching them to fold laundry (does that make me a mean mommy?). I love going to the park with them every day. I just LOVE being with them!!!

Granted, not every moment is rosy. Far from it! But, I love those moments as well because then I am the one who teaches them discipline. Or how to share. Or how to play nice. The worst day of being a mom, is, for me, still WAY better than the best day I ever had at work. I just LOVE it!

I was reminded of that today when I captured this video. I had to sneak so they wouldn't notice me, so you can't see Claire, but you can hear her. Make sure you turn the volume up so you can hear it.

It is so sweet because yesterday as we were driving to Daddy's soccer game, I said to Claire, "Say Mama!" and Audra yelled, "NO! Don't say mama! I don't want Claire to say 'Mama'!"

So to hear Audra teaching Claire to say Mama today just stole my heart. I am so glad I was home to hear it!

Preschool?

When I first moved here, a mom told me, "You HAVE to get Audra on St. Luke's waiting list- it is the best preschool- the only place you want to send your kid too!"
Quite literally I thought, "Do you honestly I think I care about sending my child to the most prestigious preschool? I mean, seriously, it's PRESCHOOL for Heaven's sake!"
Needless to say, I did not get her on the list and she is not enrolled at St. Luke's.
But, the last few months have been interesting as I have processed whether or not to send Audra to preschool. She has two years left until kindergarten, so she does not need to go to preschool this fall, she can definitely wait another year. But, she CAN go to preschool this fall if I so choose.

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Surprisingly, this has been a difficult decision for me.

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I thought for sure I would be the most anxious mom in the world to put Audra is preschool- FREEDOM!!! The ability to go to the grocery store with only ONE kid!! How could I not want that?
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So I started weighing the options. There are many. I started adding the costs. There are lots. I talked to people. For every mom I talked to, there was a different opinion. I knew one thing was sure:

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I was going to have to decide this on my own.

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So I researched and thought it out more. And, my decision is...

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No preschool next year.

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But not because of the money- though that was a factor. Not because I couldn't find a preschool I liked- on the contrary, I found the perfect one for her when she goes next year- a great one run at the home of somebody at church who has been doing preschool for 20 years. So, no, that is not the reason I chose to not put her in preschool. It is partly because I want her to be able to take classes like ballet and art and tumbling at the local rec center. But mostly it is because:

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I am not ready to let my baby go.

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Every mother goes through this at some point- daycare, preschool, kindergarten, college- I know this is something we all must deal with. But I am surprised- even hearing how hard it is for other mothers- at how powerful the urge was to not let go.

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She's my baby.

I don't want somebody else teaching her.

What if she gets hurt or made fun of?

What if she doesn't make friends?

I want more time with her!

I want more time with her!

I want more time with her!

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These thoughts are a powerful force I did not expect. I know it is only preschool- but that doesn't matter. After preschool comes kindergarten, then all-day school, then high school, college, marriage- gradually, I lose my little princess. Right now I have her to myself all day every day. But when preschool starts, I begin the process of losing her. I'm not ready for that!

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And then, the unthinkable thought occurred to me.

Am I a....

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Helicopter Parent?!?!?

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This is the most loathed and feared creature in the teaching community! I have seen what helicopter parents do- they never let their kids make decisions, they call teachers 3 times a day, their kid is never allowed to make a mistake or make a grade lower than a 99% even when they didn't earn it! They call professors in college and even go on job interviews with their kids. And worst of all....

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They become PTA presidents!

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

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I am on a course toward disaster, but I don't care.

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I want one more year.

One more year where it's just me, Audra, and Claire.

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One more year where I am her teacher.

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One more year where I get to take her to the park everyday if I want to.

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One more year where she can still be my baby.

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Just one.

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So we will wait one more year.

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And I will keep my baby.

Greatest Gift. Ever.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

What I Really, Really Want

This morning as I was getting ready I had the customary thoughts: Please, Audra, just give me 2 minutes! Just 2 minutes to put my make-up on! Claire, please sleep for 10 more minutes. Just 10 more minutes!

And then I realized: Those are just fleeting whims. This is what I really, really, really want:

1. When I say, "deal with it"- I want the person I am talking to to actually deal with it.

Example 1:
Ben comes home from work and I say, "I am too tired to make dinner. Deal with it!"

Ben answers: "I completely understand- you work so hard all day long. You deserve a break. And besides, I have a chicken parmesan recipe I have just been dying to make!"

Example 2:
Audra says, "please come play."

I say, "Mommy is tired. Deal with it."

Audra says, "You do seem a little tired. I am sorry to have bothered you. I will go downstairs and play quietly and safely for 90 minutes while you go upstairs and take a nap. Oh, and I love you!"

2. I want a standing ovation every time I clean the toilet

3. I want Ben to come home and say, "I'm not hungry tonight. Let's just skip dinner." (I don't know about you, but my family likes to eat dinner every night- it is so annoying!)

4. I want a stunt double to change all poopy diapers, clean up all vomit, and give me a nice massage from time to time.

5. I want to be able to type an entire blog post with BOTH hands.

6. I want Fruit Roll-ups to actually have FRUIT in them, not just "corn syrup" and "dried corn syrup" (yes, those are both printed on the box).

7. I want Audra's poopy diapers to smell like roses

8. I want to take a nice, long hot bubble bath without the water heater going out or a screaming child interrupting my relaxation

9. I want to understand what is going on with Lost

10. I want to lose 20 pounds without doing anything annoying like exercising or dieting

Is this too much to ask???

Resignation

My first day of student teaching I was so nervous I seriously considered dropping out of the program. Then I entered the classroom and KNEW I was where I was supposed to be. That nervous feeling never left, though- I was always nervous at the start of a new day- worried about whether or not my lesson plans would work out as I had hoped. Worried that I wouldn't be able to connect with the kids. Worried that I wouldn't meausure up to expectations.

But then the bell would ring and class would start and I would fall in love with being in the classroom- fall in love with teaching, with being able to interact with the students and help them prepare for college and life, fall in love with the sense of accomplishment that comes from knowing you have done a good job.

I wanted to be a teacher since I was 5. I used to make my siblings play school with me, only I was always the teacher. I would line up my stuffed animals on my bed and teach them (which is an excellent way to learn the required material of the course, by the way). For 5 years I got to live my dream.

I was good at teaching, too. Parents still e-mail me or stop me at the store and tell me how much they miss me. I'm not saying that to brag, I'm saying that because it is nice to know that I was able to have an impact on students and be an influence on them in their lives.

And now it is coming to an official end. Of course, I can always reapply and go back, but for now my tenure is ending. I got the resignation papers in the mail and it is time to send them in (one of the very few perks we get as teachers is a very long extended leave- we get 3 years maternity leave- unpaid, obviously- before we have to go back).

I wasn't sad about it until I started typing this post.

Since staying home with my girls, I have noticed more and more a negative attitude toward stay at home moms. Not from my friends or family, of course, but in the media. I have seen so many characters in a show say something along these lines, "my mom gave up her dreams when she had me," that I can not even count.

I really want my girls to know, though, that I am not giving up my dreams to be home with them. They are my dream! The greatest thing about the Feminist Movement-in my opinion-was that it gave women choices: my CHOICE is to stay at home. Nobody is making me, this is what I want (even if some days I wonder why).

In reality I don't miss work. What do I remember most about teaching: ALWAYS being stressed! Even during our long vacations, I was ALWAYS thinking about teaching. I would get so mad/jealous of Ben because when he comes home from work, he comes home from work. I was always thinking about work- you teachers out there know exactly what I am talking about. Anyway, my point is that it really was WORK. It was HARD- and then you would have an angry parent or student, or politics in the office (SO much politics in the school system- I can't even tell you!!!), that I often would lose sleep. I don't miss that. I don't miss the grading. Or the lesson planning. Or the 5:30 wake-up time. Or the stress, stress, stress.

I had 5 years to live what I thought was my dream. And it was great and I would never change that for the world because it taught me what my true dream is: to be a mom. Now I will never have to regret never "fulfilling my dreams" because I am lucky to have the best of both worlds- accomplish what I thought was most important and then move on to the next stage of life which is even better and more important.

And so I officially close that chapter of my life to enter a better, more challenging, chapter. I don't get the accolades (usually free movie tickets) or the applause that I once got. But I get a slobbery kiss, a play date with friends, and two of the greatest kids ever born. What more could a woman want?

A Pick Me Up

Thanks, Jenny, for posting this on your blog! I thought all you moms out there would like this- I know I did!




The Invisible Mother ……

"It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not.

No one can see that I'm on the phone, or cooking, or vacuuming the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The Invisible Mom.


Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Can you pick me up at 5:30?'


One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'


It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.


I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:


'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'


In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, 4 life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:


1. No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.


2. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.


3. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.


4. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.


A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beamthat will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'


I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, nocupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile about. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.

It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my daughter to tell the friend she's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want her to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to her friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot see if we're doing it right.And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women."

If Life Were A Musical...

...This would be my song:

Who needs sleep? Yeah, you're never gonna get it.
Who needs sleep? Tell me, what's that for.

Theres so much joy in life,
So many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
Is one Ive never found
With all life has to offer,
Theres so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
Are ones I cant avoid


Perhaps tonight will be better.

A Loss, But a Good One

This post may be long- but remember, I'll never know if you don't read the whole thing, or any of it at all!

I have been a little emotional the last few days (and going and watching My Sister's Keeper last night didn't help with that- a total tear jerker, but a great movie- thanks again, Jen- that was a great night!!!!). It has just finally hit me that Audra is no longer going to be an only child- there will now be two little rugrats to contend with. I am not sad for Audra- I know she will be an awesome big sister and she and this new little one will be the best of friends (and worst enemies) throughout their lives. But, I guess I am selfishly a little sad for me.

For the past 26 months it has just been Audra and me. We've traipsed around town doing everything together- just the two of us (while Daddy is at work all day). Yes, as you all know, the first several months were awful, but after that it has been so incredibly enjoyable. I have really tried hard to live in the moment- to cherish the "doing" and not the "getting it done" as they say. I know that Audra isn't going anywhere or anything, but tomorrow everything IS going to change. Of course, I know it is for the better (I know my parents weren't truly happy until I was born- I was the third) and we just have greater things to look forward to, but there is a loss I am feeling right now that it will never again be just Audra and me. And that makes me a little sad. Sad because this time with her has been so wonderful, but also sad for this new baby who I will never get that one-on-one time with. Starting tomorrow it will be, "are the girls ready?" instead of, "is Audra ready?"

When I tell Ben this, he says that we can do date nights individually with the kids, and I know some of you already do that which is wonderful. I think we will try and incorporate that into our household- so that we can really get to know each child individually and they can have that one-on-one time with mommy and daddy that they need. I think that will help.

I am, however, grateful for all the memories I have of just us: going to story time at the library, park days, picking flowers, watching her play with her friends, letting her ride in the car cart at the grocery store. She is such a precious and wonderful little girl, and I love her so much. I already love this baby we are having tomorrow as well, and I am excited to meet her and get to know her personality and watch she and Audra play together. I know it will be a grand and wonderful adventure, one that I am excited for- even if I do feel a small loss for me as being the mom of an only child ends.

Here are some mommy/Audra pics:

And, here is what Audra did for her last day of being an only child:

We went over to her friend Tucker's house (she calles him "Tuckey"- very cute!) and they played in his ball pit and with all of his toys- they had a great time together! This afternoon I think we will have some fun mommy/Audra time and then tomorrow- everything changes! I know that she will be such a wonderful big sister- she is already excited for the baby, and I know that this is what we are supposed to be doing for our family. The Lord has blessed us, and we are grateful for this new stage of life.

For now, I am off to do something I won't be able to do again for a very, very long time: Take a nap.

Domestic Goddess

I think I have achieved the title of Domestic Goddess for today (don't worry, I am fully aware this is a once-every-4-year-achievement for me). I have been so unable to do anything for the past 9 days, so even though I am still not 100%, I am feeling much better and was feeling like conquering the world today! I started with my house.

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I washed the sheets and even changed my toothbrush- trying to do everything to get these disgusting germs out of our house! I want this illness to be banished to the depths of Siberia and buried 300 feet in the ground and then burned- never to be heard from again! So, I pulled out the Clorox wipes and got to work. And, because Audra was taking a nap- the house stayed clean for a little over an hour until she woke up! YIPPEEE!

Then (and this is the Goddess part) I made homemade bread- NO bread machine, everything from scratch AND homemade chicken noodle soup. Dang, I'm amazing! The bread is this delicious herb braid bread that I learned how to make at a church activity last week. It is absolute HEAVEN!!! I am a bread snob, and this bread I am certain is going to be served on gold platters to all of the angels in Heaven in the after life. Here it is before going in the oven (isn't it beautiful?):

And, after coming out of the oven:

You may notice there are fresh herbs in the bread. Why, yes, there are. And, guess where those fresh herbs came from. The grocery store? Not for this woman! They came from my very own herb garden that I am growing!!!I know, I am amazing. (OK, let's be honest- I am also very surprised I haven't killed the herb garden yet. And, I didn't grow it from the beginning- they were pre-grown and all I had to do was put them in this pot and water them once a week. I have had the plants for a week, and so far nothing has died so I guess I am doing alright so far).

Next came the homemade chicken noodle soup. For the first time in my life, I bought a small stewing chicken. Don't be too proud, I had to ask the butcher which one was a stewing chicken. But, I got it into the pot (though I left the gizzards in, is that bad???):

It looks so beautiful. After 2 hours:The chicken never had a chance! (Ok, yes it did- if you look closely, there is still a lot of chicken left on the bones that I couldn't get. Oh, well). Then, I made homemade noodles, and voila:Homemade chicken noodle soup!!!

And, what do the bystanders think of it:

Mmmm! Mmmm! Good! (Well, actually the only comment from Ben I got was, "That's the BIGGEST bread braid I have ever seen in my life!" I am sure he appreciated his wonderful and amazing wife in his own way, though!) And yes, that is a happy and healthy Ben- luckily even though his throat is a little sore, it is nowhere near as bad as mine was and he was able to go back to work today. We will see how tomorrow goes!

But for now- I am going to a take a much needed rest! In another 4 years I will attempt to accomplish such feats of greatness again!